Having no fear that my thoughts written out here will somehow find their way to a vast majority, I will endeavor to make myself feel better by writing out my innermost thoughts and feelings…before I forget them. You see, it’s the medication. What a conundrum! I need the pain medication to function daily yet, it’s the medication that keeps me from functioning daily. Perhaps I should explain.
With Lupus, daily pain is the norm. People talk about remission and flares yet, for me, it’s one big, massive number on the pain scale every day. I don’t have good days/bad days. I have days that are the same, one to the next, day in and day out. Pain, pain, pain. So, I do as the good doctor recommends. Yet another pain medication. You see, I take one thing and the side effects cause another issue. So off from that med and on to another. I’m reduced to picking and choosing which side effects I can best live with. There’s not a day that side effects aren’t an issue. My current medication is helping BUT the tiredness and brain fog is almost beyond bearing. What good is keeping the pain under control this way if I can’t think or stay awake long enough to do anything?
Last night, at the dinner table, I had to tell my husband yet another example of what life is like for me. Whether he grows weary of hearing me tell him, I don’t know. He says I need to talk to him about things but I don’t want it to be the downfall of a perfect marriage. I digress…sorry. Anyway, I had taken a nice, hot bath yesterday. The whole nine yards, as they say. Hot soak, wash my hair, shave my legs. Ahhhhhhhhhh…bliss. So I get out of the bath and dress then proceed to blow dry my short hair. I’m drying and I’m drying and I keep on drying but my hair isn’t drying. “What the heck is going on?” It feels odd…thick and yucky. BING! On goes the light, the one in my brain, that is. I never rinsed out my hair conditioner. Go ahead. Laugh if you want. I cried. I went to the kitchen sink and rinsed out my hair and it blew dry in a matter of a couple of minutes. You have to understand, I’m in charge of our household budget, paying bills, doing the banking. What if it starts affecting me there and I make a big mistake?
I try to read books but they put me to sleep. I try to take walks. I’m too tired. My treadmill is gathering dust…I want to just sell it. I’ve never felt like this before. I feel like a blob. A big old blob of nothing. I go online but no one is there. No one writes me much at all on Facebook…I never should have gone back. My board is slow as molasses. People are getting bored with it, I know. I don’t have the gumption to do anything about it. No more emails asking people to please post…keep it going. They don’t want to or can’t. I’m too tired to do it all on my own and no one I ask will help me with it.
I know it’s the medication making me so melancholy. Unfortunately, it’s helping me deal with the pain. My stomach no longer bothers me because the patch is doing it’s job and leaving my stomach alone. Whether it’s worth the trade off with the tiredness, I don’t know. I’m hoping my body adjusts and it gets better.
There you have it…my life blogged and fogged. Did I make sense? I don’t know and I don’t care. I think I’ll go take a nap.